It’s actually deeper than emotion. It is often seeded early during childhood. It’s a belief that deep down “something is wrong with me.”

Often it is a fierce struggle to uproot the lies. Not only is something wrong with me, but I am incomplete, dirty, wounded, and unworthy of real love. I am irrevocably, hopelessly, and terribly broken.

Make no mistake, shame desires to destroy us.

I once went to a youth function in Ohio several years ago.  I remember vividly a young man there in attendance that was stricken with shame. The spirit of God was moving heavily that evening in the service, and someone began operating in discerning of spirits. (See I Cor 12:10)

The minister explained that shame was hanging on his shoulders like a black cape, continually covering him and preventing him from standing upright. That’s exactly what shame does. It cripples us from standing up and reaching for our true potential.

Shame is masked with many different methods, whether it is hiding behind humor, facades, or destructive habits. The root problem driving the behaviors is brokenness.

Typically, there are two ways of dealing with shame. One person will build such an elaborate armor around their heart that no one can break through to them or see what they are desperately hiding. Another type of person will fail in building that armor, and therefore becomes completely vulnerable, collapsing emotionally under the weight of even smaller life events.

Both of these methods of coping keep an individual’s focus on dealing with shame rather than the cross. The person suffering with shame always believes they are isolated and alone, and will expend extensive amounts of energy seeking to hide who they feel they really are.

When Jesus hung on the cross, He took on the weight of all of our sin. While ministering, I often state that it was emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual substitution. He literally took it all and sustained what was probably the biggest factor of all: our shame.

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2 KJV

He despised the shame! How did He do it? He did it by focusing on the joy that was set before Him.

The word shame in the Greek language is the word aischynē, which literally means “the confusion of one who is ashamed of anything.”

Is shame bringing confusion into your life? The proximate cause generating it doesn’t matter because the solution will always be the same.

Jesus despised the shame He had to face that day on every level because of the joy of knowing you and I can be complete. There is nothing deeply broken in our lives when we know that kind of peace!

Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
Isaiah 61:7 NLT

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Guilt is a valid emotion that usually shows up to teach us something. If we step out of bounds, the umpire within blows the whistle. If guilt has a place in your life, think of it first like a warning light on your dashboard.  It’s a good time to stop and assess if there is a valid and legitimate reason.  If so, taking action to correct and adjust the behavior is appropriate, and the guilt will leave.  Ignoring the warning light will only cause a breakdown on the side of the road one day.

Lashing out on a loved one, for example, can and should produce guilt and remorse because of the damaging effects it produces. Guilt should lead us back to the safety zone, and cause a change of heart. Eating thirteen pieces of chocolate cake can and should produce guilt because of the health risks involved.  Sometimes guilt just simply lets us know we’re acting in a manner that is not conducive to optimal living.

However, there is also another kind of guilt that is unproductive and unhealthy that lingers without a valid reason.

Guilt for past mistakes

Even though some decisions create consequences that cannot be reversed, it’s still unhealthy to dwell on mistakes from the past that have now been corrected.  Romans 8:1 is a well known scripture that states, “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

The key to this fully understanding this passage is that second part of the sentence. Some people may quote the verse superficially, as a method of trying to ease their conscience, but the scriptures that follow it are clear in stating that “life and peace” can only be found in living by the spirit.

If you are walking in a manner in which the flesh controls what you do, and you are giving in to whatever urge or feeling compels you in the moment, then you will certainly have a natural consequence of condemnation (i.e. guilt).

The only way to be free from past mistakes and ensure they are not repeated is to let the spirit be in control. That means having things in proper alignment. The spirit should be king, the soul (the mind, will, and emotions) should be servant to the spirit, and the flesh should be slave and of least priority. Many people live just reverse of this, allowing the flesh to be king and rule their daily lives.

Guilt for failure to measure up to unrealistic expectations

This one commonly plagues women. The house isn’t clean enough, the kids aren’t disciplined enough, and the gym wasn’t visited enough this week. There’s a difference in working to improve versus berating yourself for never being enough or doing enough. I once praised a lady that I admired for her constant thoughtfulness toward other people. Her response was, “I feel like I never do enough!” Sound familiar?

We must celebrate victories along the way. I may not be where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be. I may not be the person I desire to be yet, but I’m growing, reaching, and striving. Often, all we need is time in His presence. That will cause transformation more quickly than chiding ourselves into making more self improvements.

Guilt for things out of our control

A friend of mine was in tears recently, and when I asked the concern, the response was there are just so many hurting people! I am so familiar with this thought process, and every time I drive by my neighbor’s house, I think about how I haven’t done enough for them and I haven’t shared the Gospel with them enough.

The Lord may be prompting us take action in some of these situations. I John 2:20a, “But ye have an unction from the Holy One…” In that case, obey the unction! The guilt will leave and joy will replace it immediately.

Other times, unhealthy guilt is trying to move into our heart for not being able to fix everyone’s problems. I must remember I can only secure one kingdom.

You can’t do everything, but you can also refuse to do nothing. Sow a seed of encouragement in someone’s life. Sponsor a child in a third world country. Witness to a friend about the love of Jesus. Volunteer at a community outreach event. Then, when you’ve done all you can to make a difference, rest in the peace that is found in Paul’s words: “I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.” I Cor 3:6

We can sow a seed, and trust that God will do the rest. His desire is that we operate in an overflow of peace and joy. How could we do that if we’re constantly under a burden of guilt?

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After receiving an interesting question from a reader recently, I decided to share a portion of it and the answer with you all.  As always, thank you for your comments, emails, and feedback!  I appreciate hearing from you!

Rachel,

I was curious your stance on tattoos and piercings?  I have several tats but they are hidden, and some piercings that I have let close… I was gonna get a few more tats back then when I read in the Bible where it is a sin.  My curiosity lies in the fact that all these young kids and adults that are attending churches are getting ink and nobody sees anything wrong with it?

What is going on?  Did I read my Bible wrong?  I was just curious as where you stood and if you might be able to shed some light on this for me.  Because it seems to be happening at an alarming rate everywhere I look.

I can definitely understand your concerns around this subject.  Tattoos have always been controversial in nature, and I suspect that they will continue to fall in that category in the future.

Leviticus 19:28 says, “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.”  There is a very clear indication that tattoos were not allowed for the Israelites under the Old Covenant.

I am not aware of a scripture in the New Testament that speaks directly to this issue.  Many believers feel that since we are not under the laws of the Old Covenant, then we are free to get tattoos.  Another item of note that supports this line of thinking is that the surrounding scriptures in that chapter also outline the requirements for how the beard should be trimmed and for not eating meat that has not been drained of its blood.  Certainly, no one seems to think that these commandments are still enforced.

If we look at the verse in the context of the passage, it is speaking to the practices of pagans in that culture.  God’s desire is always for His people to follow what Paul told the Corinthian church in 2 Cor 6:17.  It says, “Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.”

I do not believe that He is ever pleased with believers simply blending in with non-believers and having no distinction in their actions and practices.  So that tells us that we should look at these behaviors and determine if they are indicative of pagan practices in our day.

Christians eat non-kosher meat regularly, and wear no beard at all, for example, and it does not cause question about our belief system.  Then we must ask are tattoos reflective of pagan practices in our day?  I believe the question is debatable.

My thought is that I don’t feel that we can be 100% confident in saying that getting a tattoo is a sin, given these reasons.

However, I do think we should approach the decision cautiously.

Here are twelve topics and questions that I believe should be considered:

1. If it is a strong Old Testament Law, shouldn’t that give us reason to at least stop and question whether it is harmful rather than beneficial? God placed those laws in their community to help them, not hurt them.  I feel many of these laws are still “best practice,” even if they are not required.  I can expound on that at a later date if necessary.

2. Since the New Testament is silent on the issue altogether, we should be hesitant to quickly throw it out as now permissible. The New Testament does specifically speak to eating meats from that same passage, which leads me to feel that this could be an example of a law that was extended rather than amended.

3. What is the motivation behind getting a tattoo?  Is it to bring glory to God or attention to me? I do realize some people use them as a “witnessing tool,” but I cannot say whether this is effective or not.   I’m not currently aware of a single conversion that has occurred because of a tattoo, but I would love to see supporting data for this side of the issue.

4. What is the tattoo’s meaning? Since they are obviously highly symbolic, we should think long and hard as to whether this symbol will be honoring to Christ throughout our entire life, or if it is just a season of our lives that will pass.

5. Will getting a tattoo cause another person to stumble? This is definitely the case, in my opinion, with many forms of tattoos, given their sexual lure.  This could also be true in the case of a believer following after someone in a leadership position.

6. Will getting a tattoo be a source of contention with my loved ones and my community? If so, is that a risk worth taking?

7. Tattoos are often highly revered as “addictive” in nature. Most people, in my limited experience, have stated that they desire to get more, even if they regret the current tattoos. That is a red flag for me since the Lord does not condone anything addictive except a relationship with Him.

8. Will getting a tattoo bring honor to my parents, to my family, and to my spouse or future spouse? Some of this is contingent upon age and lifestyle, but a valid concern nonetheless.

9. Would I be okay with my children following my lead about getting tattoos? If not, then I should lead by example accordingly.

10. Is this something I will be okay with when I am elderly?

11. Does it pass the Philippians 4:8 filter? (Is it true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise?)

12. Does it pass the Romans 14:12-23 test? (“For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”)

In conclusion, perhaps the question could be clarified.   Instead of asking if a Christian should get a tattoo, we should ask, “Should I get a tattoo?”

I know for me, at this point in my walk, the answer is no.

What is your stance on tattoos?   Do you have another viewpoint to offer based on Scriptural understanding?   I want to hear about it!

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People often call her my twin. Once, a little boy even ran up to her and called her by my name. We both laughed a lot about that mix-up.

I was reminiscing with a dear friend last night about the evening we met. I showed up to a banquet with my soon-to-be boss and she was tasked with finding me a chair. “I was wearing blue!” she reminded me. It was one of those obvious divine connections where you remember little details like that because we clicked at the heart level immediately. She was a kindred spirit.

The conversation led to deeper reflection about how true friends can be a rare find in this life. A recent statistic I heard cited 70% of pastors as having no close friends at all! It is likely very similar in the business world with CEOs and leaders of non-profit organizations. Leadership can be a very lonely place! The higher a person climbs the ladder, the greater the risk becomes to confide in someone.

A leader has an obligation to their people, and therefore, must play the role of constant encourager. The leader must be strong and have an appearance of “having it all together.” But who encourages the encourager?

Proverbs 18:24 tells us that a man that has friends must show himself friendly, which leads to the conclusion that if you want to have a great friend you must first be a great friend.

What do you look for in a friend? Determine those characteristics and live them daily. The law of seedtime and harvest does not fail.

Here are a few of the traits I seek in a close friend:

- Trustworthy -

A trustworthy individual is detected by observing how they treat people when they are no longer present. If they are quick to point out everyone’s faults the moment you turn around and blink, then it’s an indicator they will not hold secrets close to heart and protect them. A trustworthy person doesn’t take pleasure in the downfall of others, or rejoice when someone has a misstep or faux pas. They are compassionate and wish to see others reach their full potential. This often makes them a worthy confidant. Integrity failure is probably the quickest and most effective way to lose friends.

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9

- Reciprocal -

A true friend doesn’t do all the receiving in a relationship. There should always be a healthy balance of give and take. A reciprocal friend celebrates victories and mourns losses. They listen, care, and empathize. They pick up on the things unsaid and can sense when I’m struggling to hold my hands up on the battlefield.

“It turned out that whenever Moses raised his hands, Israel was winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, Amalek was winning. But Moses’ hands got tired. So they got a stone and set it under him. He sat on it and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on each side. So his hands remained steady until the sun went down.”  Exodus 17:11-12 (MSG)

- Understanding -

The key to understanding is defined by simply listening. How else do we understand any subject? Even faith itself comes by hearing, according to Romans 10:17. A friend cannot understand what is important and revisit those topics if they never take time to listen. A secret to this skill is asking questions and being patient for the answers. Not all personalities will naturally open up and share freely. As mentioned earlier, a leader knows to focus on others, and it takes a person of understanding to draw out the deeper things.

“Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Prov 20:5

- Steadfast -

A steadfast person is consistent and faithful. I don’t have to check to see if they are in a good mood before I say hello. They are the kind to show up in a time of crisis, and give a helping hand when I lack the courage to ask. A steadfast friend is strong in their faith, and helps me remain that way as well, even when I would rather give up the fight.

“He that standeth steadfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will…” I Cor 7:37a

- Truthful -

Being committed to the truth certainly includes honesty, but it’s more than that. It’s reminding me of who I am when I lose sight of it. It’s helping me get back on the right path when I’ve strayed off course. It’s believing in me, and pushing me forward to my calling.

A truthful friend is not afraid to confront me if I step out of bounds or entertain sin in my life. They do it with love and finesse, and they do it because their only goal is to see me fully walking in who God created me to be.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Prov 27:6

I have been blessed beyond measure to have multiple people in my life that fit the above description. None of us can make it alone. We need each other to keep going strong.

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I took a deep breath before answering the next question. I could only hope it would sound positive while maintaining my sense of integrity.

“Tell me about your worst career mistake.”

A few years ago the question came up during a job interview, and knowing my worst mistake cost me something valuable, I hesitated.

It wasn’t laziness or absenteeism. It wasn’t even lack of competence, although some may have perceived it as such. My worst career mistake was losing my confidence.

I managed to fumble through the story about how I allowed circumstances and self doubt to destroy my belief in myself, and therefore, it affected my performance negatively. She seemed satisfied with the explanation and made the offer, but I knew that it wouldn’t be the last time to face the challenge of keeping my confidence in the right place. It’s an ongoing process!

Scanning through Biblical history, it seems I’m not alone in the fight. Some of the greatest rockstars had their issues with confidence.

Gideon doubted his ability to lead.

Esther doubted her ability to influence.

Moses doubted his ability to speak.

Sarah doubted her ability to conceive.

Naomi doubted her ability to move beyond heartache.

Jeremiah doubted his ability to continue in boldness.

Jonah doubted his ability to obey his calling.

Peter doubted his ability to withstand adversity.

Timothy doubted his ability to be an example in his youth.

The key to walking in confidence is understanding the true source of inner strength. If I trust in my own abilities, I will eventually be shaken every time.

There are three cornerstones that disband self doubt:

Confidence in who I am in Christ

For the Lord shall be your confidence, firm and strong. Proverbs 3:26 (AMP)

I can’t depend upon my personality, my physical appearance, or my accomplishments in life to keep me feeling confident, because I can so easily fail and fall short in those areas. I must understand my value based on the price that was paid. I am valuable because He saw me as valuable.

Confidence in the work He is doing in me

Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 (KJV)

You may not be doing what you want to do in life, and you may not yet be who you want to be. But are you striving toward a deeper relationship with the Father? If so, then He has promised to perform a work in our hearts. He will be faithful to complete it!

Confidence in the mandate on my life

[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. Jeremiah 17:7 (AMP)

Is your trust in the figure on your bank statement? Do you rely on the bullet points on your resume? The only way to be certain we can fulfill the mandate on our lives is to place our confidence completely in Him. No one else can fill your role in the Kingdom except for you, and that makes you unique.

What about you? Has your confidence been shaken recently? How do you keep your focus in the right place? Post your comments and let me know how you deal with this issue.

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“The only thing she accomplished was being physically pretty, which isn’t really an accomplishment.”

I had a humorous exchange with my mother last year over the holidays. I was giving her a good-natured ribbing for naming both of her sons after powerful prophets that shook the culture and spoke for God Himself in their day. So why did she name me after Rachel?

Rachel was a deceitful gal that worshipped idols, stole from her father, manipulated, and never did much of anything worthwhile except bear two sons.

Mom blew me off and kept her focus on the boiling potatoes. “You don’t know that. Where did Joseph get his principles?” I scoffed at her rebuttal, “From his dad!”

Afterward, I did some thinking on Rachel’s story. She really had a tough course of events. There’s a handful of things she had that every woman secretly desires. That’s why her life is relevant to our personal study and application.

Edward, Bella, and Jacob aren’t the only ones that got stuck in an awkward love triangle.

Let’s look at five myths that we tend to believe as women that are busted by observing Rachel’s saga:

1. Beauty is everything.

“Rachel was beautiful and well favored.” (Gen 29:17b) In fact, she was so beautiful that when Jacob saw her for the first time, he kissed her! He also lifted up his voice and wept! That must have been some kind of beauty. He immediately knew he wanted to marry her, and was willing to do whatever it took to win her affections.

As the story continues, though, we see that it took 14 years before they could be together. Rachel was forced into the shadows by her older sister, watching the love of her life become husband to another less beautiful girl. In the long run, outward beauty was not enough.

2. All I need is a man to love me, and I’ll be satisfied in life.

Rachel agonized for years over the competition with her sister for Jacob’s affection. Although modern marriage is quite different from their set up, we often feel Rachel’s pain in our own way. It seems that every beautiful woman, whether on television, billboards, or in person is our constant opponent. She’s thinner, her teeth are straighter, and her hair is shinier. On and on the comparison game plagues our mind and damages our emotional well-being. Is it possible to hold our husband’s attention exclusively?

While men certainly have an obligation to purity and commitment, what we should understand is that our insecurities must be dealt with at the cross. The truth is there is no man alive that can fully fulfill the deepest longings of our heart. (Not even fictitious Edward Cullen.) In our fallen world, lust and obsession seeks everyone as a potential victim. Maybe that’s why Proverbs warns us so carefully to guard our heart with all diligence.

3. Marriage will make me happy.

Beyonce isn’t the only one calling out to “all my single ladies.” Trust me, on the this side of the wedding bells, things are not any easier. The belief that marriage will solve problems and bring automatic happiness is possibly the biggest myth of all. If there are problems evident before the marriage, they will only heighten after you say I do.

Since selfishness is deep rooted in the human heart, we struggle with the concept of serving another person in order to meet their needs. I once heard someone say, “Marriage is not intended to make you happy; it’s intended to make you holy.” The good news is that happiness is possible when you understand that and walk in it.

Rachel probably waited much longer than any of us for her wedding day to arrive, and then spent the rest of her life feeling mostly dissatisfied. It’s a sad tale.

4. Manipulation will not backfire.

Rachel took her frustrations out on Jacob one day in Genesis 30:1-2. “And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.” That’s a bit dramatic, first of all, and it didn’t go over so well.

“And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?”

Rachel decided to take matters into her own hands and manipulate the situation. She had Jacob lie with her handmaiden, and then boasted that God had now given her a son. This only fueled the fire of envy and jealousy that raged between the sisters. Leah copied her actions and produced even more children. During this chaos, Rachel said, “with great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister.”

Manipulation always has a funny way of coming back around full circle.

5. Bearing children will fill the emptiness in my life.

Post-modernism brought many avenues of achievement for the female populace, such as career advancement and political opportunity. In Rachel’s day, however, the primary status symbol was children. The more children you bore, the more of a woman you were. Rachel had much sorrow over how many children her sister was able to bear, and spent her days asking God to come through for her. She only bore two sons before dying in childbirth.

The maternal instinct is a part of our natural makeup. As many career-driven women as I have met, it’s surprising that all of them have a passion for their children. In addition, every woman without children has expressed that the desire once held a strong place in their heart.

In Rachel’s life, having children was the peak event. But it didn’t fulfill the entirety of who she was in her heart. Only God can fill that emptiness we feel.

So what do we do to replace these myths that have captivated our mind for so long?

I challenge you to find out what the Word of God says about it. Study the Proverbs 31 woman. Ask a seasoned woman of faith what she thinks about it. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth. It’s possible to be free and to live as a whole woman, independent of the desires that once enslaved us.

Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.
Proverbs 31:10

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Do you have a life scripture?  Mine used to be 1 Tim 1:12 a few years ago, and I still like that one a lot, but have since expanded closer to a dozen life verses that serve as the cornerstone for all endeavors. 

Ephesians 4:29 probably lands in the top five and is one of the toughest to master, which is why one needs the Holy Spirit to make it happen.  It’s all about controlling the tongue. 

Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word, nor unwholesome or worthless talk ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.  (Amplified Version)

Another translation says, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”  That’s a tall order to say that nothing evil, unwholesome, or worthless should ever come out of our mouths, and that all of our words should be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Often, it’s not what we say in the lime light, but what we say when we think we are speaking to a closed audience that comes into question. 

I remember walking outside to check the weather one morning and was displeased to feel extremely cold temperatures smack me in the face.  I expressed my disdain with a slang word, and turned back around to see my step daughter standing right behind me.  She said, “I’ve never heard you say that before.”  I was instantly convicted.  Granted, it wasn’t a hard-core term, but it still wasn’t the right example to set before her.  It wasn’t beneficial to her spiritual progress, nor was it fitting to the occasion. 

The moral of the story is that there are always ears around to hear what we say, even if it’s just our Audience of One.  Nothing escapes His ear.      

It’s interesting that the verse that immediately follows this passage says, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him]…”  Our tongue is so powerful that we have the ability to constantly encourage, continually uplift, and progressively help others in their walk.  Conversely, we have the ability to tear people down so easily, and to grieve and sadden the Spirit of God.  The key is disciplining the tongue and choosing wholesome talk on purpose.  Bitter and sweet water cannot flow from the same river.   

We’ve all come across some of the following people in our lives, but what’s more important than identifying them is making sure we don’t become one of them.

Sarcastic Sally – There is a time and place for sarcasm.  Sometimes it can be the most humorous form of communication.  Sarcastic people are also typically among the most intelligent.  It takes quick wit to generate quips and put someone in their place.  The problem is sarcasm rarely benefits the progress of others as instructed in Ephesians 4:29.  It frequently cuts to the core, and damages friendships.  Sarcasm should be used in moderation, particularly in the realm of showing disrespect to loved ones.  I’m as guilty as the next wife of making a joke at the wrong time, and the temporary payoff is never worth it.    

Foul Francis – It doesn’t make her ex-boyfriend more deplorable, and it doesn’t make her breakup easier to handle, so why must she color her language?  A friend of mine was recently stating how disappointed she was with how young women are expressing themselves via social media.  Foul words look bad on anyone, but are especially unflattering for a lady.  While most people have more sense than to spew a verbal avalanche for the public world to see, there are quite a few that will let loose in a private setting.  Profanity is the coward’s way of expressing things forcefully.  We can understand your feelings perfectly without the cursing.    

Negative Nancy - She always has a complaint about her outfit, her hair, her weight, or her relationships.  You fear complimenting her, because she will immediately respond by deflecting your heart-felt words. 

Have you ever played that game where you sit through an entire evening without saying anything negative at all?  It’s very difficult to do! My brother recently challenged me to this duel over dinner at Olive Garden.  I agreed quickly, overly confident in my ability to win, and then forgot the commitment within five minutes by discussing my dislike for an icon of pop culture that uses his talent to lead the generation astray. 

While there is definitely a time to confront things and speak out, the intended point is that we talk so negatively much of the time, that we begin doing it without even realizing.  When the story of your heartache becomes so repetitive that you can’t separate from it for even one day, you might be morphing into a Negative Nancy.

Self-centered Susie – Nearly everyone has had this friend in their life at some point.  She never stops talking.  She’s the kind that never asks how you are and doesn’t know much of anything about your life because she won’t move the pinnacle of discussion away from her favorite subject.  As soon as you begin a story, she interrupts with something else more important.  I read something about the life of Christ recently that sparked my interest.  The gist of it was this:  For someone who knew all the answers, Jesus sure did ask a lot of questions. 

If we want to truly live Ephesians 4:29, we have to understand that our mouths are used for the purpose of listening.  Sounds like an oxy-moron, doesn’t it?  Asking the right questions can cause someone to solve a problem or see things in a new light.

“I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue:  I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.” –King David  (Ps 39:1)

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Solitude is necessary in life. Before I lose all the sanguines in the opening statement, hang in there with me on this one.

We all know how important relationships are, and how they make us happier and healthier people. We all know we can’t survive in isolation for long, and that we were meant to converse with one another in a meaningful manner. Building a sense of community in our lives is absolutely imperative. But that’s another blog for another day.

I’d like to propose that there are some things that simply can’t happen without occasional and even regular solitude.

1. No one can give all the time.

Mark chapter 1 outlines the busiest day on historical record of Jesus’ life.

My to-do list looks something like this:
1) Read and reply to 100 emails
2) Complete a trending analysis 
3) Conduct a development discussion with direct reports
4) Attend strategy meetings

Jesus’ to-do list was more along the lines of:
1) Walk the shore of Galilee and recruit disciples
2) Teach in the synagogue
3) Cast a demon out of a villager
4) Heal Peter’s mother-in-law
5) Talk to the whole town after sunset (literally, it says “the whole town” in vs. 33)
6) Heal more diseases and cast out more devils

After a day of pouring out His life, you’d think He would just want to veg out on the couch for awhile with friends. Instead, it says in vs. 35, “And in the morning, long before daylight, He got up and went out to a deserted place, and there He prayed.”

When the disciples went looking for Him, they were a bit flustered and spouted off with, “Everybody is looking for you!” With a renewed sense of His mission, He explained that they would now go to the rest of the villages to preach. He told them, “This is why I’ve come.”  His time away renewed His entire purpose and gave Him the strength to keep going.

Again in Luke 5:16, “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”

Jesus was Deity, yet He chose to operate within the scope of human limitation for 33 years. During this time, even He could not continually give without seeking a place of reprieve. Why do we think we can do it?

2. No one can stay connected to the still, small Voice without solitude.

Bible college was by far one of my favorite periods of life. Every day hundreds of students entrenched with hunger for His presence would gather for hours of study. Early in the morning, the remnant would meet in the cafeteria to pray and seek. Often, the question of challenge was, “What’s the word of the day?” (Translation: What has God been showing you as you read?) We knew better than to have no answer. It was a built-in accountability system, and it pushed us to a deeper level.

We lived and breathed for more of Him. We also often joked about being in a “bubble”, and truthfully a bubble is exactly what it was. Many fell by the wayside within a short amount of time following graduation. Thinking it through, the environment is what kept them strong in the walk of faith.

Our strength must come from the inner life, not the environment. Otherwise, we failed to achieve the whole purpose of setting aside two years of our lives. The purpose was to go out and affect the environment. The purpose was to be a catalyst for change.  If we continually depend on others to keep us strong, our support system will eventually fail.

3. No one can avoid “burn out” if they are constantly running.

Countless people in volunteer organizations have given and given until they finally experience burn out. There are even more like this in the local churches. Some even use the phrase “burn out” for their profession, and there is no doubt it occurs whether a paycheck is presented or not.

A colleague of mine in the workplace recently said a day off was necessary to “seek vision.” The phrase surprised me in that setting. Vision is exactly what targeted solitude should reinforce.

My father has this often repeated his motto: People do not burn out; there is no such thing. People lose the vision.

4. No one can be as effective as necessary by submersion in an over-extended schedule.

I shall never forget something a youth minister once said to me. She said, “Rachel, the enemy will not be able to get you with the usual temptations. He will have to try to get you by taking away your effectiveness.” Every life season that overloads my plate causes that conversation to pop back into my head.

I must remember who I am and where I’m going in life by taking the time to remain effective. I’m of no good to anyone if I’m exhausted, irritable, and annoyed. People are what matter. It’s the single thing that drives me to work hard everyday. It’s the only reason I would ever consider signing up for a leadership role, in spite of poorly executing in many other areas of leadership. But I came to a place seven years ago that I was forced to realize the first person I have to maintain is myself.

5. No one can fulfill their true calling without spending time alone with God.

Sometimes we think we’re doing God such a favor by our service, and we forget that service with an empty spirit is fruitless. His desire is for us to intimately fellowship with Him. Becoming a true carrier of His presence makes a much bigger impact than empty motions.

Misty Edwards (International House of Prayer) wrote a song called Garden. It has made my frequently played list because it embodies the reason we should seek solitude.

I am a garden enclosed/A locked garden
A fountain sealed/I am Your resting place
Here, oh Lord, I have prepared a place for You to dwell
Here in the reservoir of me
That You would dwell in my heart

It’s You and me alone God/You and me alone
Here it’s You and me alone God/You and me alone

You’ve hedged me in with skin all around me
I’m a garden enclosed/A locked garden
Life takes place behind the face

So come into Your garden

I’m no longer my own/I’m Your garden

I don’t want to waste my life living on the outside
I’m going to live from the inside out

What keeps you from burning out? I look forward to hearing about it.

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I don’t remember who said it, but I keep the words on my nightstand and read them regularly.

“Hope works in the following ways: it looks for good in people instead of harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to quit; it lights a candle instead of cursing the darkness.”

I enjoy studying Bibilical text by comparing multiple translations side by side. It enables a larger understanding of the meaning. Each time I face a disappointment or observe one in a loved one, I remember Proverbs 13:12.

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. MSG

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. KJV

When hope is crushed, the heart is crushed, but a wish come true fills you with joy. GNTD

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. ESV

The phrase “unrelenting disappointment” is particularly fascinating. What causes disappointment? Hope deferred.

I looked up each major word of this sentence from scripture in the original Hebrew language, and based on the corresponding definitions, constructed my own expanded paraphrase:

When hope is prolonged and drawn out, the center of our passion and emotions becomes diseased. But when the longings of one’s heart are introduced, it is a constant source of joy, as with the revival of springtime after a long winter season.

Are you currently in that winter season? Were you hopeful that life would be quite different from the reality you are experiencing? Are you disappointed in yourself? It’s okay to feel discouraged, but it is not okay to give up on hope. It is not okay to quit.

Pain is temporary, but quitting is forever. As long as you are still breathing, there is hope. As long as God is still striving with man, there is hope. (Gen. 6:3 – My spirit shall not always strive with man…)

As difficult as conviction and correction on my heart can feel, I thank God for it! It shows me that God is still dealing with me, He still believes in me, and He still draws me into fellowship with Him. He loves me as I am, and He also loves me too much to let me stay that way.

What is so agonizing about Hell is not only the utter darkness, not only the complete loneliness, not only the fire and gnashing of teeth, but most of all, the terrible realization that it is the only place where there is no hope.

Grab hold of hope, and refuse to let it go! If you’re reading this, then hope is still available. It’s what keeps us going, and it’s what enables us to encourage others to keep going, no matter what the situation may be.  You can’t give up on hope because hope doesn’t give up on you.

Our hope in God pulls us into the future.  Hope allows us to stand with those in pain and to hold them until they are able to feel the love of God for themselves again.  Our hope begins and ends in God, the source of all hope. 

–Mary Lou Redding

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